When I was thirteen or fourteen I wrote my first suicide letter. I dedicated a page or so to each important person in my life. I remember writing in english because I felt I could articulate better then. It was night, I had been crying for several hours and I had probably had an exceptionally bad day or week or month or year. I decided I'd write a beautiful suicide letter so that when I was gone my loved ones would understand why I did what I did and why I left them and why I couldn't do it anymore. I did it because I didn't want to leave without an explanation and because I needed time to prepare myself.
I don't think I ever wanted to die, but I wanted the pain to end. I wanted the cuts in my heart to stop bleeding and I wanted the monsters in my head to stop screaming. I wanted peace and quiet and anything but what I was feeling. I wanted to leave the place I was stuck in, leave the people I was stuck with, leave the horrible words and the horrible thoughts and the horrible things and go to another world. I wanted so badly to escape from the darkness that was surrounding me. I wanted so badly to never ever have to hear some people again. I wanted to silence people, but for them to be quiet I would've had to leave.
I never finished that suicide letter because I decided I was so tired I had to go to sleep. it was probably at 3am that the tears finally stopped and the exhaustion overtook me and I had to put down the pen and the papers and tell myself that I'd continue next night. I never continued. I don't know why I didn't, but I'm happy I never finished that letter.
When it was the worst I couldn't even bare go to school. When I was made to go to school I remember having to breathe deeply so I wouldn't get a panic attack. I remember so clearly the feeling of the walls closing in, the feeling of walking into school and having to take a deep breath. I remember the walk through the hallway to my locker, how I'd feel so fragile, so scared that someone would look or laugh or say something demeaning. I remember the anxiety I felt, every single day, on the walk, from where my mom dropped me off, to school. I remember the ghost in my throat as I pulled at the school door to walk in. And I remember so clearly the white walls and the people sitting on benches and looking at me when I came in through those doors.
I remember the blood and the scars from the razor, I remember the tears as I did that stupid thing to myself. I remember preparing the line if someone would ever see the cuts. "Oh my dog scratched me".
But I also remember the last day of my life in that horrible school. I remember the happiness of leaving that place, of never ever ever ever having to enter that building again. I remember the relief as I walked to my mom's car and got in and knew that I never have to suffer those three years again.
I also remember the scars healing. And the light shining a little bit in the darkness. And then a little bit brighter, and brighter, until the only darkness was the little spot you see when looking directly at the sun.
I remember the ups and the downs and yes, some things still hurt. Yes I still cry when thinking of those years in that terrible building and yes I still cry reading my old diary. But I can now see the light and I can say that there is something more than just darkness and monsters and bleeding. There is happiness and good people and good days and also yes there are bad days. But the good days are more than the bad days and the bad days aren't as bad as they used to be. Because even the deepest hole can be filled almost fully.
And a week ago I quit my depression meds and even though right now the withdrawal symptoms are crazy and the room spins even when I'm sitting down, it's victory. Because I made it through the darkness and I dragged myself up from the ground and I got to the top of the mountain, conquering the world.
I know there will be bad days, but I know they are nothing compared to what I've gone through. Because I know I will never be in the darkness I was then and I never have to hear the monsters scream that loudly again.
Please take care of yourself and get help if you feel anything like I felt, or even if you feel less than what I felt. Your mental health is so important and you deserve to feel happy and loved. If you want someone to talk to I'm always here, just hit me up on twitter @itsmaddiehbu or go talk to your school nurse or just someone you trust, you can even go to the hospital like I did. There are people who care and there are better days coming. Please remember that you're worthy and so so so so beautiful and important. I love you and so many others love you. You're the only you and we need you here. You can do this, I believe in you♥
useful links that helped me and might help you:
Suicide hotlines in different countries (just search for your country and call, they're there to talk and you're completely anonymous!) http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
The quiet place (helps you relax) http://thequietplaceproject.com/thequietplace
The Thoughts Room (you can went anonymously and just watch the words go off into space) http://thequietplaceproject.com/thethoughtsroom/?page=thethoughtsroom&lang=
The Comfort spot (a community of people cheering each other up. You're completely anonymous and can give other people love as well as receiving love yourself! Also available as an app in apple store and google play) http://thequietplaceproject.com/thedreamsroom/comfortspot
90 Seconds Relaxation exercise http://thequietplaceproject.com/90seconds