This post might be all over the place or then it might make sense. It's a bit of a stream of consciousness.
So I was recently to London for the first time. Firstly, it was my first time ever travelling outside of Scandinavia, and it was my first time travelling outside the country without my parents. Secondly, I traveled to a place that I've dreamt about going to for years. All since I started learning English and learnt that there was a place called London I've wanted to go there. So I went.
I have to admit, I was scared shitless. Not to travel without my parents, no, but I was scared that I was going to love it so much that I never wanted to leave. Because that complicates things. That makes me have to start thinking about how to save up to be able to move there.
Obviously that happened. I loved it so much and it felt like home. I felt safe, I felt like I could be truly myself, I felt like I could chat to anyone and I felt invincible. A clear example is the fact that there I could walk around not feeling judged or looked at, even though people probably judged and looked, whereas here I have to do an hour long pep talk before I can go to the mall.
I was the happiest I've ever been. I felt secure and safe, and I felt like I belong there. And I truly believe that I'm destined to live there, or at least somewhere in England.
This is a scary feeling, but at the same time fulfilling. I now know where I belong and where I have my place, but if I want to actually be where I belong I have to move away from my family and I have to seriously work hard to be able to move there. England is not cheap, especially not London. But I'm a dreamer, so I believe it's possible.
Realising all of this also made me thankful. I have something to look forward to, I have a place I know I can go to if everything here gets screwed over. Yes, I'll have to leave my family and friends, but at the same time I've always known this home I have now is temporary. This home country is temporary. I've always known that I don't want to live in Finland for the rest of my time. I have a huge love for the English language and it's the language I wish I could speak all day, every day.
I guess I'm in a conflict. I love it, and I know I'll move there. But I'll have to leave everything behind. And at the same time I'm thankful, because starting over is probably the best thing I can do. Starting over means new opportunities and an ever bigger chance of being myself. I'm growing, I'm developing and I'm changing. But now knowing where I belong gives me peace, at the same time as it worries me, because I'll have to let my parents know at some point.
However, all of this is distant. I still have a lot of work to do before I can go live where I belong. Until then I guess I'll continue dreaming.