Saturday, August 12, 2017

A Pointless Blogpost? - Saturday Ramble

Oh Hi,

here I am sat at 11:13pm on a Friday evening with thoughts running through my head and I remember that I now run a blog that is for those thoughts. So strap in, let's go on a journey through my brain and see where we end up (because I don't know either).
I don't think I quite realised how hard it is to find an apartment in the outskirts of London. When I've looked at apartments online I've found lots and lots that I like, but once I've actually contacted the estate agent I've always got the same reply: "this apartment has already been let." Oh okay. And so my search has continued until now, where today I booked in viewings for 4 apartments for when I'm going to England in a week. Let's just hope one of the apartments meet my criteria and is affordable enough and is actually available so that I can get it. Everyone cross your fingers, hands, legs, toes, hair, everything.
I've also booked in the job interview and I've started prepping for that. Fun fact, it will be my first ever job interview so I don't want to show up unprepared and not knowing what to expect. Google has been my best friend when preparing for it, and I'm sure it'll be just fine. As long as I remember to breathe.

I've been really wanting to start pack all my things, but there's no use in doing that before I even know if I have an apartment or a job. However, I've been staring at all of my crap, wondering how the hell am I going to bring all of this stuff to England in 3 massive suitcases? The suitcases are massive, but they will not fit all of my stuff. I'm quite intrigued to actually find out how many boxes my parents will have to send me once I've moved.
It's crazy to think that in one month (one month exactly today, 11th of August) I might be moving to England but it's still not fully happening or sinking in as I don't have an apartment or a job. If I don't find an apartment that I can move in to on the 11th of September or during that week starting 11th September then I'll just be taking a short trip there. How fun.
I really really really really hope everything will fall into place. I'm so ready to pack up my life and move to another country, and as I've said before, there is not one part of me that is unsure or scared. I'm just excited and I hope it will all work out. Again, cross your fingers etc.

What else?...

This week we visited my grandparents from mom's side who live about 200 km away from us. We stayed at their summer cottage from Monday to Thursday (well I actually slept Wednesday night at my grandparents' apartment because mom snores so loudly I didn't sleep very well the other nights). Out at their summer cottage the service is absolutely terrible, and I realised how much I take good phone service for granted. I couldn't check Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat or Youtube and I couldn't even listen to music if I hadn't downloaded it from Apple Music. If I texted somebody it took 2 minutes for that text to deliver. It drove me insane, which is quite worrying because that might indicate that I'm completely addicted to everything on my phone.
I would like to say that it made me detox and take a break from social media and to just enjoy nature, but that would be a complete and total lie. I jacked my mom's service because she (and my brother and dad) has 4G while I have 3G, so she had good service. I used her 4G to download all the songs I wanted to download and I also used her 4G whenever I got a Snapchat or wanted to check Twitter or Instagram. I'm completely useless and lost without my phone.
I can't really say that's something I feel like I want to change though. When I'm going on about my day to day life I don't check my phone every minute. I rarely scroll through Instagram because of their crappy algorithm. I check Twitter, Instagram, texts and Snapchats in the morning, and then I go about my day. I don't need to have my phone with me all the time, and I can be without my phone just fine. I'm aware I'm starting to sound like a person who's addicted to smoking trying to convince themselves and others that they're not addicted to smoking.
But really though, I can leave my phone untouched for hours and not feel like a piece of me is missing. But when I'm forced to not check my phone BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING TO CHECK BECAUSE NOTHING WILL LOAD, that's when it becomes hard. Because when you don't have something you're aware that you don't have it and you want it. When you have it, you don't really care or even think about it that much. But when it's taken from you, you suddenly feel empty. Yes, I felt like a part of me was missing because I couldn't check Twitter or send a Snap.
There was also really nothing to do. Luckily I brought my favourite book, "The Humans" by Matt Haig, so I read that. If I hadn't brought that I would've honestly gone insane.

Whenever I sit down to write a ramble blogpost I'm always blown away by how much crap I can write in one blogpost. It's daunting staring at the empty page telling me to write something, but then once I start writing it's like I could never stop. It's very weird.
This might be a completely pointless blogpost but I'm telling myself that every time I write I practice. So it's okay if it's a jumbled mess and nothing makes sense. It's okay if I've just rambled. At least I'm writing something.

Tell me, do you feel like you're addicted to that thing in your pocket (your phone I mean)? Or do you think you'd be fine if you didn't have a phone?

Have you seen my latest youtube video?

Trapped | ItsMaddiehbu

Saturday, July 29, 2017

The Vicious Circle of Procrastination - Saturday Ramble

Oh Hi,

There's becoming a reoccurring theme on this blog: me sitting down and just writing my heart out. But I quite like it like that, so we'll keep it going. I think this is something I'm going to start doing, a Saturday ramble. It might not be written on a Saturday, but it will always be posted on a Saturday. Unless I fail because I'm bad at commitments, but oh at least I tried.
This week I got new glasses and I'm actually obsessed with them. They're Tommy Hilfiger so I was super hyped and I was also hyped because I would finally be able to see better and not have constant headaches.

Other than getting new glasses, I haven't really done a lot this week. And that's what I want to write about today, not doing anything.
I sometimes find myself with this deep urge to do SOMETHING, my creative personality is screaming out at me, telling me I shouldn't be sat at the computer all day, I WANT TO DO STUFF. This has been one of those weeks.
I'm usually okay with just being at home, staring at my laptop screen 12 hours a day and then sleeping the other 12 hours, just to do the same thing again the next day. But one day this week I felt so restless, so bored like I needed to do something, ANYTHING. The funny youtube videos and heartfelt vlogs weren't cutting it for me and I wanted to do something. 
That feeling to want to do something, anything, has passed. Not quite, but mostly. At the beginning of the week the feeling was "get me out of the house and let's DO SOMETHING", now the feeling has changed to "Maddie do something with your life, be creative". What's so weird and what drives me insane is that I have this feeling of wanting to do all this stuff, like writing or painting or drawing, and I love doing all that, but I don't get to actually doing it. I procrastinate even if it's something I want to do. I feel so trapped, wanting to do all these things but finding myself procrastinating and doing things I do every. single. day.
It's quite a vicious circle, wanting to do something but then procrastinating and a few days later not wanting to do it anymore so I keep procrastinating until I get the feeling that I want to do it again and the cycle starts again. And I'm stuck in this circle, trying to get out of it but not really because I'm PROCRASTINATING. I sometimes manage to get out of it, to write a little (like how I'm writing this blogpost), draw, paint, sing or something like that, and then I'm back in the circle again, going round and round, not ever really getting out.
Procrastinating is such a first world problem as well. We're the people who might have the luxury to get away with procrastination, but really we don't. It bites us in the ass when we hand in an assignment late, or we just. don't. get. anything. done. We're useless sometimes, aren't we?
What's also horrible with procrastination is that I find myself thinking "when I've moved to London I'll really put time and effort into this" "when I have inspiration to do that I'll do that" "once I've done this I'll do that". Why can't I just start now? How come I can't start writing that book now, painting that painting now? How come I always think "I'll do it when I'm in that situation" because there's really no time like the present. Why can't I just get on with it and DO IT? I want to do all of these things, and still I push them forward into the future. Who knows how busy I'll be once I've moved to London, so why am I not doing that thing right now while I have summer break? I really need to get a grip.
I want to get to a point where if I want to do something, I just do it. It shouldn't be this hard. I just have to do it.
But I don't manage to do it.

What a vicious circle to be stuck in.

During Monday and Tuesday I helped my friend clean out her closet, on Wednesday I got my new glasses, on Thursday I visited two friends who live about 45 minutes away from me, Friday (today for me) I had the third stage of getting my drivers license (the first stage is having the actual test and getting the license, second is group driving and third is driving on slippery surface to make sure we all still remember that, so now I fully have my drivers license, what joy) and my friend Anna visited me, Saturday I'm going to hers and her husband's to help them pack for when they're moving and on Sunday I'm probably going to sleep. So I lied, I've done a lot. But my brain is still screaming at me, because me doing all those things was probably procrastination from doing all the other things I want to do. But I did do things I want to do, just not things my brain is telling me to do.

Tell me, are you also stuck in this circle? Are we circling together in this frustrating hell? Or are you good at doing things you want to do? If so, give me some tips, I really need them.

Have you seen my latest youtube video?

Trapped | ItsMaddiehbu

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Depression - how I got help

Oh Hi,

I have often, on this blog and other social media, hinted that I've suffered with mental health problems or the like, and I've always said that I'll talk about it some other time. It has never felt right and I've always wondered when I should write about my story, and how much I want to share. It's a scary world to be honest in, and I know that whatever I say or write is out there forever.
But why does it feel like I can't be truly honest about my struggles? Why does it feel like I shouldn't share my story of suffering with depression, suicidal thoughts and anxiety? Is it because of the stigma around it all?
Truth is, I'm very open about it in real life. All my friends know that I've suffered from depression and they know that I currently suffer from anxiety. Some of them know the whole story while others know bits and pieces. But they know.
If anyone in real life, face to face, asks me if I've ever suffered from a mental illness I'm honest. I answer truthfully and openly, because I don't see a point in denying it. But I guess on the internet you can choose what to share, and you only want to share the good parts that make you look like a perfect human being with no problems or struggles in life.
But, I'm not perfect and I've had problems and I still have problems. I suffered with severe depression all my teenage years, and even before that. It's unclear in my head exactly when I started feeling depressed, and of course it happened gradually, over a longer period of time, but I remember having suicidal thoughts at the age of 11, maybe even 10. I remember this, because I had written in my diary, declaring that the world would be better without me and that I was useless. I found this diary when I was clearing out my room to renovate it, and it broke me. I have memories of feeling depressed or extremely sad when I was as young as 7 years old.
I suffered in silence for many years, until I was 13. I had started middle school and I remember how difficult it all was, in my group of friends and everything was all over the place. I confided in our school nurse, because I remember thinking the school counsellor looked scary. I don't exactly remember what the school nurse said, but it felt like she didn't take me serious. Another time I had a breakdown in school, and my friends took me to the counsellor. After that I started to see the counsellor every other week or so. Honestly this period in my life is very blurry, I think I've blocked it out and I don't tend to think back to it very often.
The current counsellor switched schools and we got a new one. I started seeing her and I remember doing a depression test, that would basically determine how depressed I was. When I had filled it all out and the counsellor had looked over it she said "well, according to this you're severely depressed but I'm not actually allowed to do an evaluation.". In my head I was screaming, begging her to call in a psychologist that had the rights to do an evaluation and could get me some real help. But no. I was quickly finished with seeing that counsellor.
October of 2012 I had had enough of adults not listening to me. I was going to try one more time, and if nobody listened then, I was ready to leave forever. We had a day in the woods with my whole grade that day, 25th October 2012. It was cold, and wet and I remembered we had sausages and something else to eat, and I laughed and acted like normal. When we finished the day, everyone else went back to school by bus, but the bus dropped me off right outside our house, as I lived quite close to the woods we went to and had gotten permission to not have to come back to school to then have to go back home when the teachers and I knew we'd pass my house when going back. I walked home, got changed and jumped on my bike, and rode the 6 km to our hospital. I knew if they didn't listen at the hospital I could give up.
I went up to the desk, and as soon as the woman sitting at the desk looked up at me, I started sobbing. I told her I needed someone to talk to and that I needed help. She asked for my name and then she found out I was at the wrong section of the hospital, so she led me to my section. There was another desk with a nurse sitting behind it and I told her the same thing. I needed someone to talk to. I got to sit down and wait and soon enough I got taken into a room to talk to a nurse, who scribbled down something and then told me she'd contact a doctor to come talk to me. I found out that the doctor I was going to meet was a gynaecologist but that she was an all round doctor and cared for everyone. She was very busy and she was at another hospital, so I waited in the room, and after an hour or so the doctor came.
She introduced herself and sat down, the nurse gave her a coffee and left us alone. The way the doctor looked at me I knew I could trust her, and she asked me what was wrong. I told her I had been suffering with depression for a long time and that nobody had listened. I told her I needed help immediately because I was ready to give up. She listened and nodded and when I was finished she came with a solution. She got me an appointment for the next day to a psychiatrist, and she told me that I have to have a parent with me because I'm so young (I was 14). She gave me a note that she wrote for my parents so that if I didn't want to explain they could just read that and she wished me good luck. I rode my bike home.
When I got home my dad and brother were already home, I hadn't expected the hospital visit to last that long. Dad asked me where I've been and I said "to the hospital". He looked at me and asked why, and I don't remember what I replied. I think I told him that I was depressed and needed help, but I'm not sure. When mom came home I told them that they needed to come with me to the psychiatrist the next day and that I wasn't going to school. They were of course both in shock.
The next day we went to the appointment. I don't remember much of it. I remember crying. I remember mom crying. I remember dad being quiet. And I remember the psychiatrist asking me if I thought I could be at home and be safe or if I needed to be in hospital to not commit suicide. I answered honestly, explaining that I didn't trust myself to not kill myself. Mom cried more.
So it was decided. I would go home, pack, and come back to the psychiatric clinic for children and teens later that day. I got a tour of the place and then we went back home. Mom cried even more and asked me if I wouldn't be fine at home. I said no.
I was in the psychiatric clinic for a week, doing nothing. It was good for me to get a break from school and everything and just focus on myself. I met a specialist nurse who I would get to go talk to every single week to start my recovery.
And so I started on the road to recovery. We first tried meetings with the nurse once a week, and a mild sleeping pill to help me fall asleep. I found that that wasn't enough and so I got a little stronger sleeping pill and continued with the appointments with the nurse. In February or March 2013 I started taking antidepressants when we felt that the therapy and sleeping pills weren't enough. I continued the therapy though.
I consider 2014 the year I was mostly free from depression, I was 16 then. The antidepressants had made a huge difference to my mental health and they, together with therapy, got me back to what I think I was before depression. To be honest, I don't remember that person before depression. I just know depressed me and recovered me. I still suffer from anxiety and I consider anxiety a side effect of depression, I tend to say that it's what's left of the depression. So far I have found that I can't get completely rid of my mental illnesses, but I'm trying. I'm still trying.
In Finland, when you're 16 you can legally get 3 years of free therapy if Kela (a company that pays unemployed people, students, the elderly etc etc, they basically give benefits to all kinds of people) finds that you need it. So in August 2014 I stopped going to the nurse (she wasn't a therapist, just a specialist nurse) and started going to see a therapist every week. In August my 3rd and final year is coming to an end. My therapist has helped me so much, she has taught me techniques to handle my anxiety and she's helped me overcome some of the worst things in my life. I've seen her pretty much every week for 3 years, and she's gotten to follow me for 3 years as I've been in my final years of school.
While I still suffer from anxiety, and it still hurts to think back to the bad days, I know that I will never have those bad days again. I know it will never get as bad as it was then, and I know I'm so much stronger now. The road to recovery wasn't easy, and I wouldn't say I'm at the end of that road, but it has been worth travelling on the road to recovery. Recovering is so much better than being buried under ground. It hurts me so deeply to think that I was ready to give up life, and that I felt like it wasn't worth it anymore. If I could, I would tell my 13-year-old-self that I'm worthy, and my life is worth fighting for. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it's super far away.

What's so dangerous about mental illnesses is that the people suffering from them learn how to act. They learn to act like everything's okay, and most of the time nobody notices that they're not okay. People suffering with mental health problems should all get an Oscar, because we are honestly the greatest actors ever. But that's not good. It's not good when we act like we're fine and like everything's okay, because we're carrying the burden all by ourselves. It's not safe for anyone to carry the weight of their own dark thoughts alone. And it just gets heavier and heavier, because the longer you hold a glass of water, the heavier it feels.
If you're reading this, and you feel like the world is closing in on you, talk to someone. I truly know it's easier said than done, but you deserve your life. You deserve happiness. Talk to a friend, a parent, a teacher, a nurse, a counsellor, a doctor, a policeman, a firefighter, a mailman, ANYONE. If the first person you tell doesn't listen, tell someone else. Keep talking until someone listens, because you deserve being heard. You deserve to get your life back, and you will get your life back. It might feel like you're all alone but you're not. There are so many people that love you and care about you, and they all want the best for you. Someone will listen, I promise. It's not a sign of weakness to ask for help, it's a sign of strength. Remember that.

If you don't personally suffer from any mental illness, make sure you take care of the people around you. People who are suffering often suffer in silence, and they don't take care of themselves. Show the people you love that you love them. Let everyone you care about know that you're there for them. Be kind, be loving, be a friend. If you feel like someone you know is suffering, talk to them. Tell them you're there for them, let them know you care. But even if they don't seem like they're suffering, still show them you care.
Also know if someone confides in you and tells you that they're suffering from a mental health problem, you don't have to carry that weight all by yourself. Tell the person suffering that they should get professional help, and maybe offer to go with them. Let them know you're there for them and you'll always listen, but know that you don't have to deal with it on your own. If they won't tell a professional, you can. I know it might feel like snitching, but trust me, in the end they will thank you. Tell their parents, or a teacher, or someone, because anyone suffering from a mental illness needs professional help.
If you need someone to talk to, I'm always here to listen and help the best I can, but I can't stress enough how important it is to get professional help. They know how to help you and it's their duty to help you. Please never feel like you won't get help, because there is help out there. Sadly you just sometimes have to fight to get the help you deserve.
Please take care of yourselves and each other, because your life is worth it, and theirs are too♥

If you google "help for mental health in *name of your country*" you will find all the information you need about how to get professional help and what kind of help you can get!

Site to help you vent (on the site you can find other calming sites they have that can help you if you're having a particularly awful time)

Have you seen my latest youtube video?

Trapped | ItsMaddiehbu

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Changes Bringing a New Start

Oh Hi!

If you've been a reader of my blog for some time, or even since the last time I posted a blogpost, you will be able to see that there's been some changes. Do not freak out, these changes are good changes.

If you read my last blogpost (well actually, the one before that) you'd know that I graduated in June. I'm done with school now and it's such a freeing feeling. I think I've started to embrace myself and what I want now that I won't ever have to see some people again. In school you have to put up with people's crap even if you don't want to, because it's much easier to just sigh and think of something else than to start a shit storm, at least when you're so close to graduating. Now that I've graduated I feel like I can breathe normally, and I'm making conscious decisions for my future and for my dreams.

Therefore, the change. The new header, courtesy of the lovely Katie from, is absolutely wonderful and I'm so happy with it. I have the same header/banner/channel art on my youtube channel and I just feel like it gives such a new feeling to my blog and my youtube. It also shows what route I want to take when it comes to blogging and making videos. I had had my last header for years and years and I had outgrown it (also let's face it, it wasn't very good). This is a very welcome change.

There are other things changing too. In August/September (don't quite know yet) I'm moving to London, England (I'll be living a bit outside London but I'm not 'bout to tell you that exact location so "London" will do). 
If you know anything about me you know I've wanted to move to London since I learned that there's a place called London. And once I visited London last summer I was hooked.
I honestly didn't think it would happen this fast, but two days after I graduated I started looking for jobs, and it's all falling into place. I am so unbelievably excited and there's not one ounce of me that doesn't want this. I am wholeheartedly jumping into this and I've never felt happier.

I hope you will come on this journey with me. It will have its ups and its downs but it will be filled with excitement, creativity and all things Maddie.

See you soon

Have you seen my latest youtube video?

Trapped | ItsMaddiehbu

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Trapped | ItsMaddiehbu

I feel trapped. I want out. 
But what if I never get out?
Or what if I get out
and feel trapped again?

I guess what I'm trying to say is
I want to be free.
I want to feel like a bird.
But what if it's not the place
that is making me feel trapped,
what if it's my skin?

All I know is
I've felt trapped
ever since I can remember
and there are only moments
when I've felt free.
And those moments are often
in other places
so maybe that's why I
so strongly want to get away?

I don't know.
I just know I need to do whatever 
to stop feeling trapped.
Because feeling trapped
suffocates you
and strangles you.
I don't know.

Do you ever feel trapped?

Saturday, May 27, 2017

The emptiness that fills you

Do you ever feel like you want to do a hundred things at once, and nothing at all? Do you ever stare at a blank page for ages, trying to will the words to just appear? Do you ever want to move across the world to another country and just start over?
I do.
I can hear the wind and the tumbleweed on my blog, it's really been that long. I've often opened blogger, staring at that little orange icon. Staring at the empty page. I'm supposed to write. I'm supposed to keep this blog going. And still, here it's been lying collecting dust.
I don't know if this will ever be published, I might just write nonsense and never post it. Or I might create a masterpiece and it'll go viral. Or it'll be mediocre and one other person will read it. But at least I'm writing. At least I'm letting these thoughts out.
Truth is, I've done a lot. I write almost every day. But for future projects, for big dreams, for bigger brighter days. And it always feels like all my plans are for the future, none are for right here, right now because I don't have an audience. I don't have readers. I don't have listeners. And I speak to an empty void that fills me completely whenever I've opened blogger or whenever I have an idea for a youtube video. Why do I create when there's no recognition?
I think if I didn't create, if I didn't write almost daily I'd go insane. You see, my mind travels at a hundred miles per second and my mind is never silent. Sometimes I manage to grasp a thought and put it on paper, other times it's a whirlwind and I can't seem to do anything. It's almost as if I'm too creative, and it ends up with me not doing anything, not creating anything. I have a million ideas and I write them down but I can never seem to start because if I start I'll start hating it and I'll stop or I'll start and I won't find it good and I'll stop or I'll start and I have another idea and I just leave it to collect dust. And all my ideas and creations just seem to be doing that, collecting dust. 
I'm graduating in a week. A lot of my friends have applied for schools and have plans and greatness ahead of them. I haven't. I'm in the mood to study, all I want to do is get away and start fresh. I seem to have to do that every three years. I get the strongest urge to just leave, and now that I'm graduating and I'm done with school I could leave. I could move to London like I want to. But still I'm sitting here in my bedroom at 12am writing a blogpost when I should be asleep so that I'm rested for next week when I'll have to clean and prepare for graduation. But maybe me writing this blogpost is a conscious effort to get closer to London, because the plans I have for my future all include social media and creative work. I'll tell myself this blogpost is for the good, so then I won't feel bad about it.
I don't know why, but while I'm writing this I feel very suffocated. I don't know why. Maybe it's just how I am, how my thought again are travelling so fast I can't seem to get a hold of any of them. And still I try to write.
How does one stay sane? How does one get the courage and motivation to do what one has always wanted to do? How does one not quit everything?


My whole life seems to be a big "I don't know" right now. On my graduation party distant relatives and close relatives and parents' friends will ask "so what are you going to do now?" and I'm going to have to say "I don't know" because explaining to every person ever that I want to move to London and pursue a creative career makes me sound insane to the people who aren't born in the 1980's or later. Also, I'm scared that if I tell people I want to live in London and for some reason never end up living there I'll look stupid. And still I'm writing this in a blogpost that the whole world can read. But the world isn't as scary as the people you actually know.

Now for a brief interlude of "what the fuck is going on in the world and how do we all stay sane?"

Manchester. It hit me harder than other terrorist attacks have done. I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I've been at concerts and know that they're supposed to be fun and enjoyable or if it's because kids died or if it's because it was in the UK or if it's because I was about to start my period. Either way I've spent this whole week feeling weird and feeling like nothing will ever be the same. And the truth is it never will. For the victims and the families it will never be the same. For the people who were there, who worked there, who were near the arena it will never be the same. And for us in other countries it will never be the same. But we will all try not to let this get to us, we will all try not to let fear take over and we promise to ourselves and to others that we will go to concerts because if we don't the scumbags will win. We will not let fear take over, and we will not let hatred win.
The scumbags have been up to a lot this week too. They seem to have taken over a city in the Philippines called Marawi. There's been bombings in Syria (which the media has been very bad at reporting on and I couldn't actually find out anything about that when doing a quick google search).
Aaaaaanndddd then we have the politics aspect of this interlude. What the hell is going on in the US and how do we not cry every time we read a headline about it? Trump's administration is going insane and Trump's going against everything he's ever talked about. But that's no surprise. What is a surprise is that some people seem to be okay with this?
And can I please beg every citizen ever in the UK to go vote on June 8th. You can no longer register to vote so I hope you've all done that and aren't just thinking you're going to sit this one out. YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO VOTE AND YOU SHOULD VOTE EVEN IF YOU THINK ALL PARTIES SUCK. VOTE FOR THE PARTY YOU THINK WON'T RUIN YOUR COUNTRY. AND PLEASE DON'T DO WHAT THE US DID PLEASE LEARN FROM THEM. PLEASE INSTEAD LOOK AT WHAT FRANCE DID AND FOLLOW THAT. Thank you. Sorry for shouting.

And back to my life and my brain.

It's now 12:30am. I promised myself I'd go to sleep at 12am. I promised myself I'll wake up at 10am tomorrow. Now it doesn't look like that's going to happen. Oh well, at least I'm writing a blogpost.
Actually, for school I did an art project that I'm very proud of. Because you can't take matriculation examination in art you can instead do a project around an assignment and then you get graded in that and get a diploma that you can show if you apply for a school. So I did mine around how the female body is portrayed in media. Naturally I'd do something like that. When I started again, I didn't think I'd finish it and I kind of changed route while doing it. But I finished it and I'm so proud of it. I'll know my grade when I graduate.

If you want to watch it, this is it. You might want to watch it on youtube though because it's so tiny on here.

Maybe I'm done rambling for now. Maybe. Maybe not. I'll just post this now and regret it in the morning. Or instantly. But at least I'm writing. At least I'm thinking and at least I'm here, trying.

Thank you for reading this mess, let me know how you're feeling after this week and how you feel about anything I brought up♥

Saturday, December 10, 2016

When Life Hits You (literally)

Oh Hi,

I'm not going to lie and say that I know the point of this blogpost, because I don't. I guess I'm writing it to figure out my thoughts and to process the thing that happened. I don't know.

On Fridays I start school at 11am. It's my favourite day of the week because I get to sleep in, sometimes even to 9am. Yesterday I woke up at 8:30am because I had decided to do my makeup, and that takes time. I usually spend mornings like this (when I start school at 11) by watching youtube videos while doing everything, so I did my makeup while watching youtube videos and I ate my lunch watching youtube videos.
I was running a little late, because I started eating lunch a little late. I had aimed to be out of the house by 10:30am but I got out of the house at 10:34am. Four minutes is a lot when it comes to driving 20 minutes to school. I also had to scrape off the ice that had formed on my car windows so I left in my car at 10:38am. I thought if I drive exactly the speed limit and don't get anyone in front of me who drives super slowly I'd make it just in time to the info-hour at school (that started at 11am then).
I drove through two red lights (well they were turning yellow and they had just turned red when I drove through them) but ended up behind a car going slowly. That car turned off the road and as I was heading out of my town I sped up to 80 km/h (which is the speed limit).
However, I ended up behind a 5-car trail, the first car going about 70 km/h and then obviously the other cars going about the same speed. Annoyingly I wondered if maybe I could overtake the cars but thought there's no way I'll have that much time to one by one pass by 5 cars. So I decided I'm just going to be late to school. I just have to go 70 km/h even though the speed limit is 80 km/h.
The car in front of me was driving kind of slower than the other cars in the trail. I was wondering why and decided I'm going to have to slow down so I don't get too close since I saw that the road was icy. We got up on a hill and as we start rolling down the hill I notice that the car is slowing down, but not signalling or anything like that. The car suddenly start hitting the breaks and signalling like 5 meters before the turn. We're going almost 70 km/h. I hit the breaks, because a car was coming towards us on the other side of the road so I couldn't pass the car, and I just prayed I'd stop in time and not hit the car. My car was sliding on the ice, not coming to a complete stop but slowing down enough so that I didn't hit the car in front of me, which was now turning to the right going off the road to a smaller road. I had time to think angry thoughts and then I hear a loud bang.
I didn't feel anything, I don't remember the feeling of the impact when the car that drove behind me hit me in the back of my car. It was just a loud bang, and my car started sliding forward, and I knew that my car was going to go on the wrong side of the road if I didn't do anything. I remember thinking "WHAT DID I LEARN WHAT SHOULD I DO IF MY CAR STARTS SLIDING ON ICE I DIDN'T LEARN WHAT TO DO IF I GOT HIT BY A CAR" but I turned the wheel to the right, making my car do an almost 180° turn and slamming into a pile of snow on the side of the road that the car in front of me had turned to. As my car came to a stop in the pile of snow the panic of course started.

It was a car of four 20-something-year-old guys that had hit my car in the back. They hadn't kept their distance and when I had to stop they didn't have time to stop and as we were going down a hill they hit me going 40-60 km/h (unclear exactly how fast). The driver did have time to slam the breaks but because of the ice and the downhill the car didn't stop in time.

I'm fine. I'm not hurt, not badly at least. I don't know how because I hit that pile of snow with some force. I should have a dislocated shoulder, whiplash and concussion. But nope. Just pains where the seatbelt was, because obviously the seatbelt did its thing and stopped me from flying forward and I went forward with kind of a lot of force. Also I'm having a horrible headache, my ear hurts (probably from the loud bang), my back hurt because it hit the seat pretty hard, my neck feels very uncomfortable but not directly hurting and my knee hurts a little. But it could be worse, and I feel like it SHOULD be worse. Seeing the damage it did to my car I thought I should be off much worse. I thought I'd wake up today and almost not be able to get out of bed. But I'M FINE.
The mental part is the hardest. I've already had flashbacks to me sliding into the pile of snow, and when I was in my parents' car yesterday, going to school and home from school I was very scared, telling dad to go super slow because whenever he came close to a car I almost felt the feeling when the car hit me. 
It's also hard to think that there's literally nothing I could've done to avoid the situation once I was behind that car that didn't signal in time. I could've not been in a hurry and been way past that hill once the car made the turn. But I could've also been way behind it when it made the turn. But I was in that situation and I couldn't have stopped the guy's car hitting my car. Because it was all on them once my car had stopped.
The guys called the cops (no ambulance though and I would've really liked to sit in an ambulance once in my life, and when a situation like that happened I would've liked to make the most of it) and they came 10 minutes later. I called dad, because I was panicking, and dad came a little after the cops came.
I didn't get out of the car before the cops came because I was scared, I was crying, I was hyperventilating and I couldn't even get out of the car through the driver's side. I didn't even know if I was allowed to get out. I couldn't move the car so I just stayed in the car.
The cops said it was clearly the guy's fault because he should've kept enough distance to be able to stop. He didn't so his insurance is going to have to pay for my car to get fixed or for me to get a new car.
The cops were done with me pretty fast, they saw that I was very shaken up and they ensured me that I had done nothing wrong and that I could go to school if I wanted to. Dad drove me to school.
I had texted my friend to let her know what had happened so she'd know I was late to school and she had told my favourite teacher. That teacher had then informed the rest of the teachers because it was kind of a big thing so when I came to school I got treated like a princess. Teachers hugged me and said they were so glad I was okay and they let me tell them the whole thing (I probably repeated myself a lot because I was in shock) and they got me water and tea and they were really understanding, everyone.
All my friends gave me hugs and told me they were so happy I was okay. I was on the edge of crying every time a friend came to hug me because I was very emotional. And the whole day at school my friends made sure I was okay and that I was never alone in case I needed something.
I'm okay. I'm alive. I'm weak, I'm emotionally unstable, I'm probably going to be scared of driving but I'm here and I'm trying. It's very frustrating that there's nothing I can do to go back to how I was before the accident. I will always see that turn and be scared. My body is sore and it's a constant reminder that something happened yesterday. My whole family is a little shaken up and there's one less car in our yard. Even my dog noticed something was wrong with me (God bless dogs).
The worst part is that life doesn't stop. I have schoolwork that needs to be done before Monday. I have a biology exam on Wednesday that I should study for. I have a social studies exam on Friday that I should study for. But my brain is hurting when concentrating and my body is hurting. And all I want to do is sleep and watch youtube videos. Most of all I want to feel like myself again.
But I have to remind myself I'm alive. I'm not hurt in any bad way, I'm just shaken up really badly. I have to remind myself I get to sleep in my own bed and not in a hospital bed like I could be doing right now. I have to remind myself I have friends and family that are so happy I'm alive. And I have to take deep breaths and try my best to continue with life. I have to try my best to not stop driving (which is why dad and I are going to go drive tomorrow), and I just have to let my body heal. I'm okay. I'm alive.

This is also a reminder to everyone who reads this and drives a car: keep your distance. Wear your seatbelt. Signal in time. Do all you can do to keep yourself and others safe in traffic. So that nobody has to suffer through a car accident because of mistakes that you make. The guy's car was fine, it just had a few scratches. They continued to where they were supposed to go. They didn't have panic attacks. None of them where hurt. Thank God. But I wish they would've kept their distance, so that they would've had time to stop. So that I wouldn't be in this mindset right now.
Do all you can do to stop situations like this from happening. And if it's unavoidable, make sure you wear your seatbelt. It really does save you a lot of pain.
I'm okay. I'm alive. And so are you, please keep it that way too.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Because I Feel Like I Conquered the World

*Trigger warning: depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, self-harm. Please don't read if these things trigger you because I want only the best for you and you are worth all the good things in the world and you deserve to take care of yourself♥*
When I was thirteen or fourteen I wrote my first suicide letter. I dedicated a page or so to each important person in my life. I remember writing in english because I felt I could articulate better then. It was night, I had been crying for several hours and I had probably had an exceptionally bad day or week or month or year. I decided I'd write a beautiful suicide letter so that when I was gone my loved ones would understand why I did what I did and why I left them and why I couldn't do it anymore. I did it because I didn't want to leave without an explanation and because I needed time to prepare myself.
I don't think I ever wanted to die, but I wanted the pain to end. I wanted the cuts in my heart to stop bleeding and I wanted the monsters in my head to stop screaming. I wanted peace and quiet and anything but what I was feeling. I wanted to leave the place I was stuck in, leave the people I was stuck with, leave the horrible words and the horrible thoughts and the horrible things and go to another world. I wanted so badly to escape from the darkness that was surrounding me. I wanted so badly to never ever have to hear some people again. I wanted to silence people, but for them to be quiet I would've had to leave.
I never finished that suicide letter because I decided I was so tired I had to go to sleep. it was probably at 3am that the tears finally stopped and the exhaustion overtook me and I had to put down the pen and the papers and tell myself that I'd continue next night. I never continued. I don't know why I didn't, but I'm happy I never finished that letter. 
When it was the worst I couldn't even bare go to school. When I was made to go to school I remember having to breathe deeply so I wouldn't get a panic attack. I remember so clearly the feeling of the walls closing in, the feeling of walking into school and having to take a deep breath. I remember the walk through the hallway to my locker, how I'd feel so fragile, so scared that someone would look or laugh or say something demeaning. I remember the anxiety I felt, every single day, on the walk, from where my mom dropped me off, to school. I remember the ghost in my throat as I pulled at the school door to walk in. And I remember so clearly the white walls and the people sitting on benches and looking at me when I came in through those doors.
I remember the blood and the scars from the razor, I remember the tears as I did that stupid thing to myself. I remember preparing the line if someone would ever see the cuts. "Oh my dog scratched me".
But I also remember the last day of my life in that horrible school. I remember the happiness of leaving that place, of never ever ever ever having to enter that building again. I remember the relief as I walked to my mom's car and got in and knew that I never have to suffer those three years again.
I also remember the scars healing. And the light shining a little bit in the darkness. And then a little bit brighter, and brighter, until the only darkness was the little spot you see when looking directly at the sun.
I remember the ups and the downs and yes, some things still hurt. Yes I still cry when thinking of those years in that terrible building and yes I still cry reading my old diary. But I can now see the light and I can say that there is something more than just darkness and monsters and bleeding. There is happiness and good people and good days and also yes there are bad days. But the good days are more than the bad days and the bad days aren't as bad as they used to be. Because even the deepest hole can be filled almost fully.
And a week ago I quit my depression meds and even though right now the withdrawal symptoms are crazy and the room spins even when I'm sitting down, it's victory. Because I made it through the darkness and I dragged myself up from the ground and I got to the top of the mountain, conquering the world.
I know there will be bad days, but I know they are nothing compared to what I've gone through. Because I know I will never be in the darkness I was then and I never have to hear the monsters scream that loudly again.

Please take care of yourself and get help if you feel anything like I felt, or even if you feel less than what I felt. Your mental health is so important and you deserve to feel happy and loved. If you want someone to talk to I'm always here, just hit me up on twitter @itsmaddiehbu or go talk to your school nurse or just someone you trust, you can even go to the hospital like I did. There are people who care and there are better days coming. Please remember that you're worthy and so so so so beautiful and important. I love you and so many others love you. You're the only you and we need you here. You can do this, I believe in you♥

useful links that helped me and might help you:

Suicide hotlines in different countries (just search for your country and call, they're there to talk and you're completely anonymous!)
The quiet place (helps you relax)
The Thoughts Room (you can went anonymously and just watch the words go off into space)
The Comfort spot (a community of people cheering each other up. You're completely anonymous and can give other people love as well as receiving love yourself! Also available as an app in apple store and google play)
90 Seconds Relaxation exercise

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Where I Belong

Oh Hi!

This post might be all over the place or then it might make sense. It's a bit of a stream of consciousness. 
So I was recently to London for the first time. Firstly, it was my first time ever travelling outside of Scandinavia, and it was my first time travelling outside the country without my parents. Secondly, I traveled to a place that I've dreamt about going to for years. All since I started learning English and learnt that there was a place called London I've wanted to go there. So I went.
I have to admit, I was scared shitless. Not to travel without my parents, no, but I was scared that I was going to love it so much that I never wanted to leave. Because that complicates things. That makes me have to start thinking about how to save up to be able to move there. 
Obviously that happened. I loved it so much and it felt like home. I felt safe, I felt like I could be truly myself, I felt like I could chat to anyone and I felt invincible. A clear example is the fact that there I could walk around not feeling judged or looked at, even though people probably judged and looked, whereas here I have to do an hour long pep talk before I can go to the mall. 
I was the happiest I've ever been. I felt secure and safe, and I felt like I belong there. And I truly believe that I'm destined to live there, or at least somewhere in England. 
This is a scary feeling, but at the same time fulfilling. I now know where I belong and where I have my place, but if I want to actually be where I belong I have to move away from my family and I have to seriously work hard to be able to move there. England is not cheap, especially not London. But I'm a dreamer, so I believe it's possible. 
Realising all of this also made me thankful. I have something to look forward to, I have a place I know I can go to if everything here gets screwed over. Yes, I'll have to leave my family and friends, but at the same time I've always known this home I have now is temporary. This home country is temporary. I've always known that I don't want to live in Finland for the rest of my time. I have a huge love for the English language and it's the language I wish I could speak all day, every day. 
I guess I'm in a conflict. I love it, and I know I'll move there. But I'll have to leave everything behind. And at the same time I'm thankful, because starting over is probably the best thing I can do. Starting over means new opportunities and an ever bigger chance of being myself. I'm growing, I'm developing and I'm changing. But now knowing where I belong gives me peace, at the same time as it worries me, because I'll have to let my parents know at some point.
However, all of this is distant. I still have a lot of work to do before I can go live where I belong. Until then I guess I'll continue dreaming.